Body Talks
by SayingYourNames
Summary: I never thought I'd do this. But at the same time, this is probably the best thing I've ever written. Jake and Logan are in highschool. In my mind, they're like.. Step brothers. Or maybe like, half brothers. Involves Jake and Logan, like, together. I suggest not reading this if you're sensitive. (Jake Paul, Logan Paul, Jogan.)
1. Body Talks

Body Talks

Sitting on the lid of the toilet, foot tapping with pent up nervousness. Logan feels like a wreck. The stall is small, the kind where the door doesn't touch the floor nor the ceiling. His hand are in the front pocket of his hoodie. He's waiting and listening, intently.

The door to the bathroom creaks open. His ears perk up and his gaze freezes on the floor in front of him. He's getting hopeful. He shouldn't be feeling hopeful.

A few footsteps later and a pair of white air max Nikes stop to a stand in front of him, just on the other side of the door to his stall. He hangs back, holding his breath. Closing his eyes for just a moment, licking his lips, he hears a sigh from outside the stall. As he opens his eyes the door swings open and just like that Jake is in his lap.

It all happens so quickly there's no time to react, Jake is straddling him on top of the toilet, his mouth crushed against Logan's. His body incredibly close, hands in his hair, his breath hot on Logan's face as Logan opens up his mouth to receive Jake's tongue. Jake is all Logan can smell, all Logan can feel.

His lips are soft, supple, but the slight scruff on his chin rubs against Logan's own and the feeling turns him on more than anything, for some reason. Jake is just on the cusp of manhood, he just started shaving – Logan would know, he taught him.

Jake lets out a soft but deep moan as Logan wraps his arms around his waist and drags his huge hands down his back. Logan smiles, licking at Jake's lips, leaning forward into the boy. His body feels electric.

"I didn't think you'd come" he lets out in a deep murmur as Jake's hips grind into his lap. Jake grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls it roughly, 'causing Logan to hiss through his teeth. "Shut up" Jake responds sharply, grabbing the sides of Logan's head roughly as he smashes their open mouths together. Jake's dick is insanely hard, Logan can feel the heat of the member radiating against his own and the feeling makes his stomach burn with anticipation and his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

Grabbing Jake by the ribs Logan lifts him easily and shoves him up against the door of the bathroom stall, knocking the breath out of Jake slightly. Looming over the shorter boy he presses his hips into his brothers'.

"Why the fuck did you come here, Jake?" Logan breathes against Jake's neck. All he wants is for his brother to say it. Jake only growls, pulling at the hair at the back of Logan's head. They're both strong for their age, fighting as much as they're necking.

"Fuck off" Jake snarls shortly. Logan laughs, deep in his throat, licking up Jake's.

"Don't you mean 'fuck me'?" Logan teases. Jake gives out a deep moan but doesn't have time to respond as panic strikes his body, he hears footsteps approaching the bathroom door.  
Logan hears them as well, quickly and roughly silencing Jake with one hand as he lifts his brother up with the other, hoisting and pinning him up against the bathroom door. Jake's feet hang around Logan's knees now, cleverly concealing the fact that the older boy is not alone in the stall. They stay like that, frozen and close as they hear mumbles from outside the stall, shuffling of feet, the taps turning on an off.

Jake's heart is beating hard in his chest, Logan can feel it against his own. Jake's eyes are looking down, his eyelashes fluttering nervously against his cheeks and in this moment; face flushed and bashful, Logan has never seen a prettier sight. He slowly slips his hand away from where it's been sitting over Jake's mouth and rests it around Jake's throat, Jake's eyes shift up and meets Logan's. As Jake's mouth is freed Logan places his own softly against Jake's. This is new for them.

Jake breathes heavily through his nose, willing the people outside not to notice him. Logan kisses him softly, hand under Jake's thigh, holding his brother up more with the weight of his body than his actual hands. Jake melts into Logan, letting out a small whimper. Logan grabs his brother by the jaw as the voices outside the door quiet for a second, before they resume talking and their footsteps trail towards the door of the bathroom.

As the door to the bathroom slams shut Logan pulls his lips away from Jake and laughs quietly, softly slapping Jake's cheek a few times. Jake looks flustered and distraught. Logan lets Jake's feet drop to the ground as his hand slides from grasping Jakes chin down to his neck. Kissing him swiftly on the mouth.

"I've gotta go or I'm gonna miss third period" Logan says as he steps away from his younger brother. Jake doesn't say anything, leaning against the door for support, jaw clenched.  
Logan picks up his backpack from the floor behind him, putting it on his back, adjusting the straps, his clothes and his hair. Jake studies him, wondering how he looks so _easy_.

"Hey," Jake whispers, regaining his brothers attention. Jake opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Logan looks at him, half expectantly, half understandingly.  
"I know, I know" Logan says annoyed before pulling his brother off of the door and slipping past him out of the stall.  
Jake listens to the sound of him walking away and the door shutting before sitting down on the toilet behind him, resting his head in his hands. He sighs deeply, rubbing his face as his knees start to bob restlessly, tapping his feet on the ground. His eyes are burning.

"Why do I do this to myself?" he whispers softly before slipping his hands off of his face, clearing his throat. He stands up slowly, and shrugs off the feeling of deep-rooted self-hatred and disgust. Walking out he takes a second to look at himself in the mirror, flashing a confident cocky smile, only to drop it a millisecond later. He sighs at his reflection and exits the bathroom.


	2. Between the Bars

Between the bars

Break time, easily the busiest time of the day. The corridors were filling up with students trying to make their way to the cafeteria, the next class or out towards the parking lot. Jake walked aimlessly through the corridors, feet dragging across the floor as he goes. The halls were cramped and loud, but Jake didn't hear a thing. He could see the legs walking, the doors to the lockers slamming and the mouths moving but ultimately heard nothing. Radio silence.

Jake was deep in his mind. He'd just fucked around with his older brother in the one place in his life he was supposed to feel safe from all that shit; school. School had always been the place where Jake could feel normal, where Logan couldn't get to him. A safe haven.

His feet steered him left, towards the main doors of the school, heading towards his car. His shoulders kept bumping in to other people, he apologized silently.

In his mind he was somewhere else. He was back home.

When Jake had been around 9 or maybe 11, Logan had come into focus. Always there, but never the focal point, until now. Logan had just turned 15, growing taller by the day. His hands big, his face weird and his arms longer than his legs. Jake had always looked up to Logan, wanted to be just like him.

Jake and Logan would share a room growing up. Their parents didn't make a lot with their mom being a nurse and all, but Jake never really cared. It was cool to share a room with Logan, staying up late and sharing secrets. Him and Logan would stay up all night sometimes, Logan telling Jake about girls he'd met at school, how the teachers had been so fucking annoying and wouldn't let him chew gum in class. Just stupid shit like that. Two small beds on opposite sides of the room.  
They'd sleep with a night light on, because honestly Jake had always been low-key afraid of the dark. It was one of those small ones, a superman dude that sat right outside the socket and lit up the room from below.

One of those nights, one of those first nights, Logan had fallen asleep in Jakes bed. Jake didn't mind because sometimes Logan would let him sleep in his bed if he was scared or wanted to read magazines by the nightlight before falling asleep. So it wasn't that far off, only this time Logan was in _his_ bed.  
It was summer and hotter than hell, so Jake decided not to sleep with a duvet, the cover a lumpy pile on the floor next to his bed.

Logan was already a huge mass of a person, almost twice the size of Jake. Logans arms were spread out just right, just so that Jake could fit in beneath Logans armpit, face snuggled right up against his ribcage. With his cheek against his brothers' ribs, he would count the breaths his brother took, trying to match his rhythm. Pressing his ear against the taut skin, hard enough to make out the faint beats of Logan's heart. And that's when he first felt it. Something crawling inside, like a deep slow burn down low at the bottom of his stomach. Heat, spreading up his torso and on to his neck and cheeks, his ring & little fingers going numb. He couldn't identify the feeling, didn't realise what it meant until much later.

Ever since that night, Jake had known something was wrong with him. And he'd hated himself for it. Disgusted by himself and wrecked with guilt.

Other nights had been even worse. Blinded by the warmth in his gut he'd let his hands glide softly over Logan's huge snoring chest. Turning his head just enough to where his lips could graze the side of Logan's body. Curling up close enough to let his eyelids rest against the side of Logan's neck.

It never went anywhere past that, it never crossed any significant line in Jakes mind. But every time morning came, he'd promised himself it had been the last time, that this was the final time he'd danced along that dangerous ledge. And every time his brother told him his handwriting was good or that his hair looked bomb or climbed into his bed, he'd break that promise.

Making his way over to his car Jake started digging through his bag, absentmindedly. His mom had recently bought him a new ford focus. They'd been saving up for years to buy Logan a Lambo for his birthday, so Jake knew they didn't have the money for anything fancy for his. Nevertheless, he loved his ford, it was his and only his, one of the few things in his life he could truly say that about.

Fishing out his keys he opened the door and plopped down in the driver's seat. He shoved the key into the ignition and twisted it, subsequently sparking the radio. The song stopped him dead in his tracks, brought him out of his daydreams. It was the song. The song that had played that night...

It took Logan a good year to figure out why Jake was being such a weird kid, why he was always following him around trying to be just like him. And after he found out, he'd been using the situation to his advantage. Threatening to tell mom about it if Jake didn't clean their room for him, threatening to spread rumors about it if he didn't finish his algebra homework for him. Jake knew Logan would never tell anyone, but did as he was told nonetheless. It became choreographed over time, like a secret dance they'd to when no one was looking. Logan would catch Jake staring ad either straight up threaten Jake or, sometimes, he'd raise the stakes.

This stupid slave thing kept up for about three months, Logan would constantly throw digs Jake's way and make him feel like the lowlife scum he was, telling him how just looking at him made Logan want to throw up, that Jake was the sickest thing Logan had ever known, that even hugging him for thanksgiving felt like getting groped by a weird uncle. But at the same time, he would also tease Jake, really rub it in his face. Undressing right in front of him before his showers, telling Jake to fucking watch him. He'd send Jake pictures of his dick on his phone, sometimes even videos of him, jerking himself off. And sometimes, during dinner with their parents, Logan would take his foot and slide it up Jake's leg all the way up to his dick, just letting it rest there, all the while smiling and telling his dad about football practice had been a bitch that day.

This bullshit kept going on and on, for years, until one night when Jake and Logan were at the same party. Logan had just turned 16 and Jake 14, making some of their friends mutual. This one dude Ashton was throwing a party while his parents were out of town and Logan had raided their parents liquor cabinet telling Jake that, unfortunately, he would have to take the fall for it or he'd tell dad about the time Logan woke up to Jake's fingers caressing the outline of his dick through his boxers.

They'd been at the party for a few hours, drinking and smoking and Jake was outside in the bushes, vomiting from his first cigarette. Logan had been hooking up with various girls all night, telling Jake he could snag some of his sloppy seconds if he was lucky. He smelled like a whole fucking Sephora as he walked over to where Jake was doubled over on the wet grass in the backyard.

The back of the house wasn't lit up like the front was and it was actually kind of dark back there.

"Yo, I thought you were afraid of the dark, you pussy?" Logan hollered as he came striding down the small hill of the back yard, grabbing a hold of Jake's shoulders form the back as he came up to him, shaking him slightly. Logan was reeling, clearly high off of something and smiling like the fucking Cheshire cat. Jake shrugged Logan's hands off of him and threw an elbow in Logan's general direction, a great big miss.

"Jeez, alright calm down you bitch," Logan said as he plopped down next to his brother. His hair was clearly tussled and his shirt wrinkled.

Jake was sitting back on his heels now, finally done purging. He lazily wiped his mouth with the back of the sleeve of his hoodie, brushing his hair away from his eyes before looking up at Logan, who was sitting sort of skewed off to the side but all the while across from him. Logan was smiling with his elbows resting on his perched knees, face visibly a little red from the alcohol. "Having a good time?" Logan asked casually.

Jake was getting mad just looking at him, feeling the rage gurgling in the pit of his stomach. "What do you want?" Jake spat out at Logan. Logan's eyebrows shot up and he let out a short chuckle.

"Uh, I just wanted to check on you idiot, you're over here hurling in the bushes?" Logan was full on laughing at Jake now.

Jake sat down on his butt with his knees drawn up to his chest. He wiped his nose silently and snarled. "Oh yeah, you're trying on the role of 'caring big brother' now? Taking a rest from the usual job of just fucking hating me?" Jake said, eyes rolling in the back of his head. He scoffed at Logan and turned his head away from his brother.

Logan just smiled at him before looking up at the starry sky, taking a few deep breaths. It was like he was looking for a good enough retort up there before looking back at Jake, saying: "Come on dude, I just wanted to see if you were alright. "

Jake's eyes grew huge in disbelief. Was this like, Logan's drunk and shitty attempt at being a decent human being? Just ignoring the fact that up until just now, just this fucking moment, torturing Jake could have been considered his fucking day job.

Jake shook his head and looked up the small hill towards the house. The people inside were dancing and singing along to some shitty song he had heard a bunch of times but never learned the lyrics to.

"Just.. Fuck off Logan. I know you don't give a shit anyways." Jake said, his eyes not leaving the window full of people in the distance. He'd give anything to just be like them, to not be like this, to not be fucked up.

Logan followed Jakes gaze, shaking his head as well. "Dude, what are you talking about? You mean when we joke around? That's just for fun dude."

Jake's head spun around, meeting Logan's eyes. "Dude, sending me videos of yourself jerking it isn't my idea of a funny joke!" Jake's voice was sour, booming across the yard.

Logan's eyes got huge as he scanned the area quickly to make sure they were alone

"Dude, keep your fucking voice down!" Logan half whispered.

Jake looked at Logan, his eyes stinging and his head swimming. He felt like he wanted to die, like if he could just cease to exist in this moment, he would. He lied down on his back, now fully not visible from the windows of the house. He covered his face with his hands, his foot tapping rapidly against the wet grass, his mind filling up with all the times Logan had made him feel worthless, like he was a waste of breath and a disgrace to their entire family. The worst part was, Logan wasn't wrong.

Logan studied Jake silently, he could see the stress and tensions building up, Jake's entire body now shaking like a leaf in autumn. Logan scooted over to where Jake was laying and tried to pry Jake's hands away from his face but Jake fought against it, keeping the palms of his hands glued to his face.

Logan gave up with a sigh and lied down next to Jake, side by side this time, not keeping him in the nook of his armpit like when they were kids. Looking up at the sky Logan let out a deep sigh, waiting for his brother to return to him from his retrospective dreamscape.

Silently, Jake let his hands slip off of his face. The stars were bright tonight and incredibly pretty. His arms fell down along the sides of his body and he let out a breath as a few tears slid down the sides of his face. Logan looked over at Jake, for the first time seeing him and just how deeply his taunting had wounded his brother. He couldn't help but feel a small twinge of achievement over that. Knowing that no one would ever be able to hurt or scar Jake as deeply as he could was reassuring and satisfactory in profound ways for Logan. He felt mighty.

Logan rolled over on to his side. He leaned in close and slowly and softly he placed his lips against the side of Jake's face, catching the tears between his lips. Jake closed his eyes and let out a shattering breath.

"Stop", he whispered between chapped lips, his body felt like a black hole. Logan didn't stop, raising his body instead, propping himself up on his elbow as he place his mouth on top of Jakes, dragging his bottom lip over Jake's, letting his tongue dart out to taste Jake's. Logan breathed deep into Jake's mouth, open mouthed and sloppy.

He was dying, he was sure of it. This had to be a dying hallucination because there was no way Logan was kissing him, there was totally no way. It was like everything Jake had ever imagined and worse, like every fear, hope and childhood bad dream baked into one singular moment. Logan's body felt heavy on top of him, he wanted him to crush him with his weight. He wanted Logan to fuck him into the earth, to destroy him beyond recognition, and then bury him right there in the backyard of the house. He wanted to be buried because there was no living after this, there was no reality where this was something he could get over or move beyond.

"Is this what you wanted?" Logan asked in a low murmur against Jake's lips, his voice a drawl just barely audible in Jakes mind.

"Is this what you've wanted all along? Sick little freak."

Jake put his hands against Logan's chest in a half-hearted attempt to push him away, but at the same time craning his face up following him as Logan pulled away, wicked smile on his face. Following his lead just as he'd done his entire life.

"You're so fucking sick. This _IS _what you wanted." Logan said, looking Jake straight in the eyes.

Jake tried to wrestle out of Logan's grip, but with a hand around his throat that just tightened until Jake went limp. He was powerless.

Logan's free hand made it's way towards the edge of Jake's jeans.

"Don't" Jake croaked silently from under Logan, grabbing a hold of his arm, his mind in the true juxtaposition of wanting Logan more than he needed air but begging for the final line between just 'kind of fucked up' and 'no going back' not to be crossed.

Logan grinned down at Jake, showing all of his teeth.

"Wow, I can't believe you're under the impression that you have a fucking say in the matter, Jesus you're so fucking stupid" Logan said. He roughly yanked his arm away from Jake's grip and grabbed hold of Jake's dick through his jeans. Jake let out a small whimper. His dick was harder than metal, searing with heat through his jeans.

Jake was crying now, never having been this turned on but yet so deeply wrecked with sadness, guilt and disgust in his life.

"Just, please" Jake whispered, "stop." His throat thick from holding back tears.

Instead, Logan kissed him, almost sweetly and took a hold of Jake's hand, gently placing it on top of his own dick. Jake opened his eyes, shocked and confused. Logan was hard. Why the fuck was Logan hard?

With one final soft kiss Logan distanced himself just enough to look Jake in the eyes and said;

"No matter what you do, you will always end up here. _We_ will always end up, here." And with a final squeeze of his dick, Logan got up off of Jake, slapping his own dick down in an attempt to hide his boner, and started walking up towards the house.

Jake turned his radio off, slamming it with his fist a few times before grabbing a hold of his steering wheel.

"Fuck," he whispered through gritted teeth. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.."


	3. Ocean Eyes

Ocean Eyes

_(Morning time, breakfast_)

It was like the objective of a camera, the way Jake came into focus. If the room was quiet enough, Logan was almost sure he could hear the silent clicking of the lens, closing in on his mouth, the shape of his outer ear and the softness of his earlobe. His upper lip with the curvatures of a girls, the high part of his cheek covered with summer freckles. Logan never understood how Jake wasn't surrounded by girls the same way he was, Jake was sure enough prettier.

Jake swallowed around the mouthful of lemonade he'd just taken in his mouth, his bottom lip wet from the sweet liquid and Logan was staring. He'd been staring for a while now.

Logan wasn't sure when this had started, this summer thing. When his mind had switched from wanting nothing more than to make Jake blush to wanting to be the _reason_ he blushed. Sneaky thing, the mind.

It pissed him off, but then again, everything about Jake pissed him off these days. Not in the way it used to, not Because of Jake's dumb crush things, nah man. This anger was new. Jake in boxers pissed Logan off, Jake eating toast and licking the butter off of his fingers pissed him off. Jake looking guilty and embarrassed when he accidentally would bump into Logan pissed him off, his huge brown eyes darting looks from under his long lashes, the tops of his cheeks colored pink and the quick "sorry, man", pissed Logan off.

Jake wasn't supposed to be the one holding that kind of power over Logan.

It didn't take long for Logan to figure it out though, he'd felt this before except those times it had been with various girls. Somehow Jake had managed to switch this game around on him, this dumb cat and mouse game they'd been playing since they were kids. He was supposed to be the twisted, dumb love-struck one, the one Logan had to keep at bay. Jake was supposed to be the one chasing him.

Ever since the hookup at school Jake had taken a distance. He didn't sleep in Logan's bed anymore, he didn't ask Logan for advice on girls, didn't want Logan to help him with his algebra homework. At first Logan had been relieved, you know, thinking maybe Jake had finally gotten over it and they could both just move on with their lives. Then Logan had started getting worried, without this hold over Jake then who was gonna do all his shit for him? And finally, Logan had gotten sad. It wasn't clear why at first, but as time went on and Jake drifted further and further away, he realized it. Without Jake swooning over his every move, without him as his shadow, Logan was lonely. He missed the hold he'd had on Jake, he missed being the single brightest thing in someone's universe. It was a feeling not a lot if people ever got to experience and Logan hadn't realized what it had meant to him until it was gone.

He missed the bony elbows, the warm hands. He missed the exhilaration.

He couldn't understand the distance, why had Jake suddenly decided now to back off? Maybe Logan's jabs had gone too far for him. Logan knew the kind of torture he'd put his brother through, but he also knew why he felt it had been necessary. If he didn't push Jake wouldn't defend himself, and if Jake wasn't defending himself Logan was scared he'd actually let him in. No matter who started this, no matter where this sickness grew from Logan knew deep down that somehow it was his fault, it was always his fault. Jake's desire was his fault, the toxic relationship that had grown from it was his fault, the whole situation. No matter what move he made he'd end up hurting Jake.

So he did what he could, did just enough damage to where Jake would know that it could never happen , but kept him on the hook enough so that he didn't lose him entirely. It's a difficult game to play, but Logan adapted. No one would ever hurt Jake the way Logan did, and in that, no one would ever compare or take his place. He trusted Jake to be the one to set his foot down if things ever went too far because between the two of them, crazily enough Jake was actually the one with a moral compass.

But this new thing, this distance and care had made him weak. He couldn't fend off Jake the way he could before. He also couldn't reach him the way he could before, Jake wouldn't take the bait. Logan would call him his sick little boyfriend and Jake would just flip him off, unfazed.

Even worse, Jake had started talking openly about going away, maybe finding a boarding school or some shit like that and amazingly, their parents weren't against it. He'd started focusing more on his studies, actually giving a shit about his grades. This wasn't the same kid Logan had held down on the wet grass a few weeks ago, this boy was different, determined.

Being a dick obviously wasn't going to work, so Logan decided to change his strategy. He couldn't loose his only brother.

Saturday rolled around, Jake didn't really go out anymore, he mostly stayed in his room studying. A soft knock at the door threw Jake out of his musical coma on the bed, he'd been sprawled out listening to some lo-fi shit that didn't make him think of Logan. Opening his door he saw Logan taking up most of the frame.

"The fuck do you want?" Jake yawned, one hand still on the knob. He wasn't really mad that Logan had knocked, he was just more in the mood to listen to his music without fighting. Logans broad shoulders leant against the frame, his head heavy on the jamb and Jake had to look away because no matter how hard he'd decided to fight this Logan was still his single most obvious trigger.

Logan crossed one arm across his chest, lazily scratching his bicep through his hoodie. He tried to look Jake in the eyes but to no avail, Jake was dead set on staring at his shoes.

"Uhm, I wanted to see if maybe you wanted to hang out? I, I was texting with Carina and the party got cancelled tonight so, I, I'm kind of bored. "

Jake licked his lips slightly. This was all so weird, before this fucking around bullshit had started they used to hang out all the time, but ever since the first time Jake started getting hard just thinking about Logan, Jake wouldn't allow it anymore. Too dangerous, too risky.

Jake scratched his chin while kicking his left foot with his right, looking around his room for help.

"I, I don't know man. I was kind of in the middle of something and, and… " Jake trailed off. He couldn't think of a reason Logan couldn't come in his room. Ever since Jake had taken his bed and his stereo and moved down the hall, the boys hadn't really been alone together in this close of a vicinity.

"What, listening to music? I can do that. Come on man, I'm serious. No agenda, I just wanna see you." Logan held up his palms to show his innocence, shooting for relaxed but coming off as slightly desperate.

Not wanting to let his "I-don't-give-a-shit" front slip Jake shook his head and moved out of Logan's way, gesturing for him to enter.

Logan pushed off of the door and plopped down on Jake's bed. Jake closed the door and turned around to lean against it, hand behind his back. Logan looked around the room, recognizing all of Jake's things and missing every single one. The wicker hamper, the dusty pile of CDs, the clothes in a pile next to his bed. Everything felt out if place in this room. Finally looking back up at Jake he noticed Jake was biting his lips, one of his oldest nervous habits.

"So.. What's the deal with you wanting to leave the state recently?" Logan threw out. Might as well go straight for the jugular, he figured.

Jake sort of snorted and walked over to his computer, sitting down in the big swively chair. He spun around a few times before putting his leg out and stopping when his foot hit his bed. A huge sigh exploded out his chest. Might as well get this shit over with.

"Honestly? You. " Jake was squared off like a soldier, doing his very best to look like stone.

_Ouch_.

Logan's chest deflated as he heard it. _You_. Deep down he'd known it already, but actually hearing Jake say it hurt more than he'd anticipated. Suddenly he felt struck, this was fight or flight he realized. He could fight for this, or he could let Jake slip through his fingers. Either way would hurt them both, but one of the options at least felt more appealing.

"Don't do it." Logan looked Jake straight in the eye and held his gaze, forcing him to look back and listen to him.

"Don't do it, okay. It's whatever you want. Stay and it's whatever you want, man. You wanna kick it up a notch, is that it? I can do that. You want it to go away? I can do that too, I can do that so easily if you just stay. " Logan felt wild, his heart was hammering inside his chest and his blood felt curdled and hot. He was throwing himself to the wind here, not knowing if he'd sink or swim.

Jake's mouth hung open, relaxed. His eyes looked frightened, his face a muddy expression of hurt and doubt. He wanted to say that what he felt for Logan would never go away, that this disease was at the core of his being, the roots of who he was. He wanted to tell him that the only hope to escape was to go away, far away.

"I'm not sure that I can" was what actually came out if his mouth.

Logan was pleading, his eyes animated and his chest open. "Dude, you can, you so totally can. You have to."

This took Jake back. He was so done with this, he didn't want to fight Logan tonight. This was not going to go down like every other conversation they had, this wasn't going to end sad.

Jake stood up and walked over to stand in front of Logan, looking down at Logan felt easier than squaring him off in his computer chair. Logan was looking up at him, small mouth in a tight line. He looked unbelievably good from this angle.

"I can't be around you anymore. I don't want to. "

Logan looked up at his baby brother, he'd never looked older, never looked more certain. That's when Logan realizes it, there was nothing he could do to stop this. No amount of teasing or bullying would keep Jake close to him, no amount of luring or fighting. Jake wanted to get away from him, like always, Jake knew best.

Logan's head fell forward, his face resting in the palms of his hands, elbows on his knees. How was this his life? How was he losing the only thing he'd ever cared about.

Jake sighed audibly. Scratching his head he knelt down in front of his brother. On his knees with his brothers head in his hands Jake felt brave, his hands cradling Logan's scalp, his thumb tracing the scar from when Logan fell out of a tree when he was 8. Jake had been so scared when it happened, the blood hot and slippery against his palms while he screamed for their mom. Now it was nothing more than a thin white line, faded, almost gone. A memory.

Jake placed his lips against the scar, softly and not for very long. Logan, on a final leap of faith, raised his face to meet his brothers. Noses rubbing, Jake's breath hot on his face and he cried, he hadn't realized until now that he was crying. Jake held him there, close enough for their eyelids to brush against each other. Logan raised a hand, a fist in Jake's hair, pulling him ever closer. Every muscle in Logan's body begged him to move, his mind an avalanche of promises and pleadings. His heart wanted to tell his brother to _please stay, I'd never hurt you, I can't live without this I can't, I won't live without this I need this, please._ But deep down Logan knew it was bullshit. The greatest thing he could do for Jake would be to let him go.

Instead, Jake pushed forward, catching Logan's lower lip in his mouth, soft and careful. That was all the permission Logan needed. His body flew forward, knocking his brother backwards on the floor, climbing over him. Logan lowered himself to lay flat against Jake, his body a weighted blanket over his brother. "I can't stand this" Jake let out between kisses, "can't breathe without this, cant live like this". Logan wanted to shut him up, didn't really want to hear any this. It was enough that Jake stuck the knife in, he didn't have to twist the blade as well.

Logan growled, "shutup". Pulling Jake's shirt up Logan put his mouth to work on Jake's stomach. Jake full on moaned at that, a mixture of pleasure and crying. Jake tugged his shirt the rest of the way over his head and pulled Logan's off in the same move. Half sitting up Jake grabbed a hold of Logan's neck, forcing him to face him. What he saw was not what he expected, Logan's eyes were black swimming pools of desire, his mouth a bruised cherry color. But his cheeks were wet.

"You're crying," he said, it was meant to be a question but sounded more like a statement. Logan tried to look away but Jake held firm, "you care. "

"You're leaving." Logan fired back. Jake just shook his head and repeated himself, softly and under his breath, just like when they were kids and would share secrets in the dark, "_you care"_.

Logan, already finished with this conversation started unbuckling Jake's pants and amazingly, that shut Jake up as well. This was happening, the final border was being crossed. Jake remembered thinking to himself that if this kills him, so be it.

How fitting, that their first time would also be their last.


	4. Never

(inspo: xxxtentaction - never)

Somewhere up in Grand Forks all he sees is snow, crispy and sharp. Like a wet blanket around his head, it helps him take his mind off of it. Instead of seeing Logans huge hands, he feels his own locked in a vice from the cold. Instead of his nose, warm and soft against his cheek he focuses on his own - wet and stark read. The wind is picking up and oh my God is this bus going to get here, ever?

Jake shuffles his feet to keep warm, he's made himself a little landing in the snow out to where the bus will pick him up outside of the translucent bus-stop cubicle. His breath is creating huge clouds of smoke and it doesn't remind him of Logans when he lights up a joint. How he'll always roll the roach between his fingers to drop the ember before flicking it away.

Jakes new snowshoes turned out to be vital, he'd been hesitant about buying them at the shop back in Ohio because really, how cold could North Dakota actually get? Turns out, really fucking cold. He'd held out for about a week before trading in his sneakers for his new snowshoes. Everyone else here was wearing them anyways, so he stuck out more wearing his adidas than these furry moonboots.

His new school was 'aight, nothing to write home about, you know? The school was small, no more than 300 pupils. The desks were those old ones from the 70 with the flip up tabletop to hide your pencils and shit. The classrooms were too small and they kept having to open up the windows to let in fresh air because there was no AC which meant you sent half your class breathing in everyones elses morning breath and the second half freezing your ass off in your too tiny desk.

But it sure beat seeing Logan in the halls every day. Not that Jake didn't still see Logan in the halls everyday in this new school, in fact, he saw him everywhere he went. Just yesterday in the grocery store, Jake had been picking out avocados for his salad because school lunches here were fucking rough and he thought he'd seen him. Some dude looking at the apples on the opposite side of the produce aisle and his stomach felt like it was going to fall out of his ass. Did he follow Jake here, was he here to take him home? Was he here just to fuck with him? But as the dude turned around it didn't even look anything like Logan. The back of his head just a ghost of the mind.

It had been just about 4 months and Jake still hadn't gotten his bearings yet. He relied on the busses to take him where he needed to go, not confident enough to brave it on foot just yet. This place was so different from home, people here seemed to really know each other, or at least knew _of _each other. Everyone had a title and a place.

The second weekend out here he'd been invited to a party, the new kids had been feeling him out for a while before actually engaging. He'd met a few cool people, some girl named Alice and these two dudes named James and Corden. The party was at some frat house and Alice had been kind of sloppy, a lot sloppy actually. With her hands all over Jake the guys assured him that this was just the way she was with new people. It was an all-dudes school so she kind of stood out as one of the few females who hung around campus.

Jake ended up kissing her against a tree outside by the end of the night. Her face felt warm in the cold breeze, her hands icy as they snuck their way inside of his big jacket. Jake held her firmly against the tree, replacing the taste of cigarettes with strawberry lipbalm, strong hands with soft manicured fingers.

But it didn't work. Jake called her a cab to get home safe and wandered off to the nearest bus stop himself.

Some days he'd just ride the bus for hours. With his headphones in he could easily escape to wherever he wanted to go. His roomates at the boarding school were cool and all, but not really the crowd you'd wanna cry in front of, you know?

With his forehead against the window his head lulled from side to side as the bus moved through the city. Sometimes he'd catch his reflection in the glass. It shifted with the lights from the roadside lamps and morphed his face as the bus changed speed. Sometimes he'd see himself in that window, sometimes he'd see Logan.

Now here he was, 4 months in and late for class because he wanted to get some healthy shit from Tesco instead of eating at the cafeteria. If he walked, he'd probably make it just in time, but he stood patiently and waited for the bus to arrive. And then it did.

Later that night, his phone would ring. Just like it did every other night since he'd left home. Jake had been anticipating it, awake in his bed. The roommates were still out in the common room area, drinking and playing poker with a few dudes from down the hall. Jake had joined the school in the middle of the term, so people already had their cliques figured out. Jake really didn't mind. He hadn't come here to make friends, anyways.

He picked up and heard some rustling on the other end of the line. Picking up the phone was always a gamble. Some nights Logan would just hang up, other nights he'd be drunk or high out of his skull rambling about Jake, begging him to come home. Other night's he'd just listen, listen to Jake breathe or talk about his day.

"Yo." The connection sounded sparkly, but clear enough for Jake to make out who it was right off the bat.

"Hey" Jake responded. There was a pause before Jake heard Logan clearing his throat.

"How's it treating you, still haven't gotten rammed up the ass by the fratboys?" Logan snorted.

"Funny." Was Jakes deadpan reply. Logan chuckled on the other end.

"I've got to say, I'm a little disappointed. I expected more from you going to an all-dudes school. I figured it had always been your wet dream, little brother."

Jake sighed. "You know it was never like that dude, cut the bullshit. How's mom?"

Logan was quiet on the other end, his breathing calm and steady. "She's fine man. Everyone is fine. How are you doing?" Logans voice was genuine and soothing.

Jake pondered the question for a second, thinking back to the countless busses he'd ride, eating alone in his dorm, kissing people he didn't know…

"I'm fine. I'm good actually. It's like, a fresh start, you know? It feels good." Jake lied. In reality he knew there was nothing he could do to escape himself, which was the root of the problem from the start. He saw Logans face in every window, every shiny surface. Every stranger he kissed. Nothing would wipe it out, he couldn't just reboot because he was in another state.

"Cool. Great." Logan replied. Jake listened closely as he heard Logan fish out his packet of cigarettes from his back pocket, listened as he lit it, just about feeling the sparkling tip light up through the static of the speaker. As Logan inhaled, Jake did as well.

"Do you miss me?" Logan asked, cheekliy. Almost cocky.

"Yeah right." Jake responded with a snort. He was laying on his back in his bunk, the bottom one. He reached up to touch the wood above him, he had a few postcards tacked on there with sticky tape. Most from his mom, a few from Logan.

Logan laughed deep in his throat. Jake could hear him smiling through the phone and he replied. Somehow it felt easier to talk about these things with a few states in between them. With them being so far apart, there was no danger in admitting to it, because they both knew there was nothing to be done about it, they could neither act on it or block it out. It just was.

"Oh, come on? Not even a little bit? Not even at night?" Logan continued. Jake was silent, just listening. Logan continued. "Because I miss you. I'm actually in your room right now, I've kind of been sleeping in here for the last couple of months."

With his middle finger on the most recent postcard from Logan Jake just blinked. Logan was sleeping in his room? Logan was sleeping in his bed. "That's kind of unfair." Jake whispered.

"How so?" Logan replied. "I hope you don't mind? I'll stop smoking in here if you want I just figured since you're not coming back…" Logan trailed off.

Jake shook his head, closing his eyes. "No, no I don't mind. I don't care. It's just unfair 'cause… 'Cause I don't have anything here, you know? Nothing from home. Nothing to remember anything by."

"That was your choice, Jake. You were the one who chose to leave." Logan said, his voice monotone.

"I know, I just… I know." Jake whispered. Opening his eyes, he saw a picture above his bed. Logan had sent him a picture for a postcard in February, it was of him and Jake on Jakes fifth birthday. Logan had his hands covering Jakes eyes as he was just about to blow out the candle on his birthday cake. Logans face was looking at him from the side as he was reaching around Jake from behind. Staring him down in his bunk. Jake put his index finger there, to cover Logans face.

"It's for the best anyways. I don't belong in that house and you know it. Don't talk to me about shit like that, 'aight?"

Logan paused on the other end of the line, his voice stuttering, pregnant. "I, I jus-, I".

"I've gotta go, don't call me anymore Logan, seriously this time. Let it go. Bye."

And with that Jake hung up, throwing his phone down on the carpeted floor next to his bed. With his fists covering his eyes, he curled up on his side. His phone kept lighting up in unrhythmic intervals. Texts, presumably from Logan. Jake just shut his eyes. Determined to go to sleep, determined to let this go, determined to get free. He had to get free.

I have more chapter frames stored up, I kind of know where I want this story to go now so I'll probably be updating more often. I'm careful about this story because I care about it a lot. I hope you all like it.


End file.
